Recently I’ve been giving a lot of thought to the idea of feeling worthy. Whether it’s feeling worthy of love, of career success, of a certain duty or task or obligation, or feeling worthy of a good life. Everyone is worthy of living a good life, no matter what your definition of “good” ends up being, and yet a lot of us struggle to truly feel worthy.
A few months ago I started going to therapy. Have I told you guys this yet?
I’ve blogged about therapy before, mainly that I attempted to see a therapist a few times on my college campus to discuss the ways I was struggling with dating. The first therapist was a man and *spoiler alert* I lied my ass off during my first session with him. I think I even told him I had a boyfriend and “things were going great.” No joke. It was hilarious and sad. No wait, it was just sad.
The second therapist I tried to see brought up medication by the end of our very first session the very first session and even though I see great value, importance, and potential for relief offered by medication, I felt saddened that she didn’t seem to want to explore the root of my issues.
I didn’t seek out another therapist for eight years.
And now? I’m in love. Both with my therapist and with the man with whom I’m choosing to share my life. What a world, eh?
And now I get to start sentences with, “the other day my therapist said…” And you know what? I fucking love it. Because sometimes people give me that look that says “oh, I didn’t know you were seeing a therapist” and I want to lean in and whisper, “you probably could benefit from seeing one, too.” Because the truth is, dear readers, I truly believe everyone could benefit from talking to the right therapist.
Anyway, as I was saying, the other day my therapist said something about how my difficulty in asking people for favors might speak to my feelings of worth. And I’ve been pulling that thread ever since and oh boy is it unravelling more than I thought it would. I can see parallels in a lot of areas of my life.
I’m afraid I won’t be able to complete a freelance project well? = Feeling unworthy of the position in the first place and unworthy of the trust of the client.
I’m afraid of voicing some mild annoyances I have with my partner? = Feeling unworthy of speaking my thoughts and unworthy of an open, trusting, relationship.
I’m afraid to ask a friend for a ride to the airport? = Feeling unworthy of the help of others.
All of these situations spawn from a place of fear, which triggers my anxiety. However, beneath that fear is the true source of the fear . . . unworthiness. Which I guess could be defined as the fear of not having value.
That being said, I encourage you all the dig deep and try to find some of your core beliefs. The branches of your anxiety, sprouting in the spring sun and reaching towards the blue sky, may very well be rooted in something as simple (and huge) as feeling unworthy of love.