Ask What You Want Wednesdays, Readers Questions
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Ask What You Want Wednesday | New Relationship Confusion

I just started dating this guy that I really like and at first we talked all the time now he’s gotten really busy with work and life and we barely talk not to mention he lives like an hour away, its driving my anxiety thru the roof. I don’t know how to get him to understand this or what to do I need HELP!

It sounds like there has been a miscommunication about what each of you defines as “dating.” It’s so understandable that your anxiety would be escalated by his behavior. If your expectation for a significant other is for them to be present, to talk with you about your days, and make an effort to frequently see you (regardless of distance), then the reality of the situation is understandably frustrating for you.

However, if his expectation is that a relationship is more flexible and his partner understands that he’s busy and has a life outside the relationship, then he might be confused by your reaction to his behavior.

The best thing you can do at this point is simply open a dialogue about what you both want and need from an intimate relationship. It can be scary to say what you want out loud, especially since it makes you vulnerable. For example, if someone says something like “I want to feel connected and supported by you” it opens the opportunity for the other person to say they don’t want that. This can be hurtful; to not be on the same page can be hurtful.

In addition, you have the added complication of distance. While at first, one hour may not feel that far away. But as life gets in the way (for both of you) that hour will start feeling longer and longer. And when you care about someone, you want to be with them. The distance is probably causing you more pain and frustration than you even realize.

Talk about what this distance means to you both. Set up a routine that you can both agree to and stick to.

Above all, know that you deserve to be understood and loved. Don’t be afraid to try and explain your anxiety. Anxiety can be very mysterious to people who do not live with it, so do your best to let him into that world. Explain that you want to help him better understand where your coming from, just as you always want to better understand where he is coming from. It can be scary to start an honest conversation that is based in your hopes, but it’s the first step to moving forward.

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