“It’s sad, I don’t want to,” I said, turning away from his outreached laptop.
“Just watch it, it’s cute!”
“I already know what happens. He loses his candy and can’t find it. Sad.”
As Jared tried to get me to watch the latest viral animal video, the one of a raccoon who loses his candy (or so I inferred from the tweets and facebook posts I’d seen about it), I kept refusing. I already know what happens. The adorable creature loses his candy. He’s confused. It’s a metaphor for all of humanity.
The truth is, I’ve been feeling more raw lately. A little more sensitive than usual. A little less tough. I don’t think I could handle this raccoon.
I’m not sure if it’s the recent holiday season, the scrappy nature of my current career, or the fact that our wedding is less than two months away (*screams internally*) but I’ve felt a little bit like a porcupine on its back: vulnerable.
I’ve struggled with blogging about being engaged and planning our wedding, since the last thing I want is to sound ungrateful. Nobody wants to hear some lady on the internet whine about all the stress and anxiety she feels OVER MARRYING THE LOVE OF HER LIFE. Seriously? Complain about that to the Titanic lovers Jack Dawson and RosOH WAIT I CAN’T (RIP Leo).
But this past year has been a true challenge, both personally and professionally and I’ve tried to write openly about that here on the blog. And yet, I keep hitting a wall when I try to write about planning a wedding. So I keep going back to what yoga instructors have told me in the past (when I actually get my socially-anxious ass out of the door and to a yoga class), that we can always return to our breath. It’s always there. Just breathe.
When I started this blog back in 2013 it came after years of struggling hardcore in the dating scene. My anxiety crippled my ability to go on casual dates and I just knew I couldn’t be the only one.
Except now I’ve evolved into different relationship-territory and I feel like it’s not as easy to write about a shared experience. Being single and wanting to vomit on a man during a first date? LET ME WRITE ABOUT IT! But being in a committed relationship and struggling to discuss finances in an open and candid manner? Not as easy to write about. It involves someone I love. It isn’t as “fun” as the dating scene.
I care so deeply about this blog and the beautiful readers I’ve met. And I care so deeply about growing as a partner and as a writer. I want to push myself to help this blog evolve. But it’s scary, to love something so much. Right? It’s scary to care about something and know you can either A) screw it up or B) lose it.
Maybe this is why I can’t bring myself to watch an adorable raccoon lose his candy.
There are things we truly want in life. Things that we cherish, hold close to our chest and breath in the sweet candy scent of beauty. There are things we hope for, dream of, and lose our breath when we feel it within our reach. We can forget to breathe.
This is why I don’t want to watch a raccoon lose his candy. To be reminded that we can lose the things we love? Fucking devastating, amirite?