All right, buckle up, it’s been over a year since I last posted and that last post was (you guessed it) also about Taylor Swift. I’ve been meaning to write this post for a while, but felt embarrassed/ashamed to write it.
“All these people think love’s for show”
I’ll try to keep it simple: Back in 2016 I developed a theory involving Taylor and one of her exes. I clung to that theory for a long time and wrote thorough posts with all of my evidence (aka confirmation bias). The last one I wrote was as recent as last summer, though, that one strays a bit.
Someone once told me I only became interested in Taylor Swift when people started to tear her down, that I joined the mob. I felt defensive because the truth was it was because of how much I liked her that my theory arose.
“The devil’s in the details”
I wanted to believe she was one step ahead of us, that she was laughing at the pitchforks and torches from up high on her tower-of-intelligence. I wanted to believe she’d found someone who was willing to pull the wool over all our eyes in the midst of her tornado. It was unfathomable to me that someone as intelligent, talented and so obviously kind-hearted could be put through such hell….so I just assumed she had it all under control.
Four years later I know I was wrong. (And, tbh, part of me could tell I was wrong quiiiite a while ago but my confirmation bias would not stop).
She told me in her Rep letter, she told me in London Boy, and she told me in Peace….she told me in the empty picture frames scattered throughout her videos, in the stars around her scars and in Miss Americana.
I’m sorry Taylor Swift, for being another voice who spent more time caring about your boyfriend than your art. I’m sorry for writing about it. I’m sorry for clinging to it for so embarrassingly long when you were clearly going through it.
“But you’ve got a friend in me”
And I know it comes across as juvenile, but I wanted to share some pics that show I was a fan pre-2016 apocalypse. In the spirit of the Lover journals, here are some glimpses into the past…
This journal was with me through my own intense years of growth. From moving in with my then-boyfriend (now-husband), to quitting my job to try my hand at self-employment as a writer, to starting to write my romance novel (lol embarrassing), to dreaming big for our Europe trip, to planning our wedding:
And here are some tweets from when I used to feel safe’ish on social media and actually tweeted stuff:
One of the reasons I feel so connected to Taylor’s story is that in April 2016 I wrote this blog post, “Rebuilding that Confidence like an OG” which reflects on how I was looking at older pieces of writing and wondering where that “care-free” version of myself went. And it features this bit of writing. You’ll see why parts of Miss Americana really. resonated. with. me:
And so when she sings “You knew it still hurts underneath my scars / from when they pulled me apart” I FEEL THAT.
Listen, I’m not sitting here saying that I’m the world’s biggest Swiftie…that crown fits better on so many other breathtakingly devoted fans. But as a writer and a romantic and a sensitive individual, as a “skinny white bitch” (other’s words, not mine) who grew up trying to be good and please everyone, as a woman who has learned to stand up for herself and to try her best to ignore criticisms, who is learning to be fearless…I am the biggest fan.
I’m now a mom, I’m working full-time, I’m working on a novel (lord help me), I’m trying my best to be a good partner and friend and family member and I know a big part in growing up is apologizing even if you know it might not be heard.
I apologize for my dumb past blog posts.
I thank you for your sharp pen and thin skin.