All posts filed under: Readers Questions

Ask What You Want Wednesday | The Age Factor

  I’m older now (like 32) and have never really even dated. Although, I’ve been in love with a lot of guy friends. I think I’m ready to try again but the only ones around me my type (either at work or college) are almost half my age. I even have a couple of buddies who are 18. Is it weird for an older female to consider dating guys 11 and 12 years younger? I honestly don’t know how to find people more my age who aren’t already taken, or stuck in a career, or out of my league.  When it comes to dating and age and what age group you “should” be dating, here’s how it works: if there are two consenting adults who both agree to trying out a relationship, that’s all that matters. End of story. But here’s what actually happens: external voices enter the situation. People’s opinions. Your own insecurities of what people might think. Will people judge? Will the relationship even last? etc etc There are plenty of relationships that …

Ask What You Want Wednesday | Stuck in the Friend Zone

  I’ve often found myself ending up being the “encouraging friend.” I don’t get pushy, I am very positive, but I often stay in the friend zone. I feel like it’s because of my awareness of their “quirks” as you call it…I am hoping for your perspective on this. This is a very common issue in the world of dating, one that every person at one time or another has experienced. I believe it comes down to authenticity. Sometimes, when we are fully there for someone and allow them (in a way) to use us for our listening ear or our compassion, we forget that a friendship or relationship is a two-way street. We forget that we ourselves are also deserving of someone to be there for us, that we are equally deserving of someone as encouraging as a friend. I believe people can sense when someone is holding something back — whether it’s frustration, confusion, or vulnerability. If you are going on dates and seeing a pattern of women placing you in a zone …

Ask What You Want Wednesday | Pre-Date Anxiety

Dear Hattie: A guy I haven’t talked to in person has just asked me out for coffee. We haven’t even named a date yet and my anxiety is driving me nuts and it’s all I’m thinking about. It’s really making me want to just cancel just to make it stop. Before anything, start by reminding yourself that you are in control of your choices. You always have the freedom to cancel or decide against going. But next remind yourself that you have a responsibility to yourself towards growth. It’s often easier, especially when it comes to our anxiety, to stay comfortable and avoid situations that heighten our anxiety. This situation is full of the unknown. This is probably where the majority of the anxiety is coming from. If you’ve never spoken to this person, let alone spent time one on one in a coffee shop having to talk and be a normal human being, it’s almost entirely full of the unknowns. This is very very scary. If you can, try and go to the coffee …

Ask What You Want Wednesday | College Confidence

I’ve always been insecure about my body but now I’ve started gaining the freshmen 15 since I just started college. I recently came out of the closet and am struggling with a LOT of nerves over talking with guys I find attractive since I’m not feeling attractive myself.  I think before anything you should pause a moment to feel proud of yourself for having the courage to not only A) head off to college, but B) also the courage to be true to yourself and taking the first steps in leading a future of honesty and self-respect. Neither of these steps are easy. And for both of them you deserve a great deal of compassion and warmth. You’ve been true. You have been brave. And college is always a transitional time, especially when it comes to our personal beliefs and perspectives. We are tested. We grow and change. This can apply to all areas of our lives: personal relationships, faith, family, interests, and of course, our body images. Learning to love and accept your body (at …

Ask What You Want Wednesday | Post-Date Anxiety

Can anxious people ever survive the stage of dating that happens after dates 1-2, but before a relationship is officially called? That to me is the greatest time of uncertainty and is just UNBEARABLE with anxiety. It is understandable that you experience the greatest amount of anxiety not before the very first date, but two, three, four dates in. This is a hazy, grey, area just full of over-analyzing every detail. Because now you’ve sort of started to get to know the person. And you’re sort of started trying to figure out whether or not you want to pursue anything with them but you’re not positive they want to too, but then again maybe if they did you wouldn’t want to and that’d be equally awkward and and…. Our obsessive thoughts can lead to us beating ourselves up. We wish we could “just stop.” We invalidate ourselves by telling ourselves we’re being silly. Or we start contemplating backing out completely from the entire experience. Instead of wishing you could stop your thoughts, take a step back …