All posts tagged: Anxiety after first date

Talking About Dating Anxiety + Love on GROUP Podcast

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When Rebecca Lee Douglas first reached out to me to ask if she could interview me for her podcast, GROUP, my knee-jerk reaction was to politely say “thank you, but no thank you.” I sometimes don’t even answer the phone when it’s people I love, what makes you think I wana jump on a call with a stranger? Actually, I don’t even think I responded to her first email. Rebecca Lee Douglas is the founder and producer of the podcast GROUP, which focuses on mental health. She brings experts in and discusses important mental health issues in a relatable, empathetic, and often humorous way. There are episodes on thought distortions, Seasonal Affective Disorder, and even emotional support animals. She’s amazing. Buzzfeed recently named GROUP as one of the 27 Podcasts You Need to Start Listening To In 2018. In other words: Yas Qween!! So when she said she wanted to talk with me for a mini-Valentine’s Day episode my inner-voice-slash-confidence-that-I’m-still-working-on-everyday was like “nah, she doesn’t actually want to talk to me.” But guys, Rebecca Lee Douglas is …

Ask What You Want Wednesday: Don’t Want to Ruin a Good Thing

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I’m currently seeing this guy and we just started seeing each other. I have GAD and take medicine for it. I keep reading into things too much and I don’t know how to control it. I don’t want him to think I need constant reassurance either. When we’re together he is the sweetest guy and I feel so important to him, but when we talk on the phone I think I read too much into things. I don’t want to ruin a possibly good thing because of my anxiety. Thank you for sending in these thoughts…being concerned about ruining a good thing could be the title of my autobiography “Don’t Want to Ruin a Good Thing: The Adventures of Hattie C. Cooper and Her Irritable Bowel.”  But in all seriousness, you are not alone in this concern OR in the habit of reading into things. Usually when we read into things it is because of uncertainty. When you’re new to a relationship there are a lot of unknowns still. And one of the biggest unknowns, and …

Ask What You Want Wednesday | Post-Date Anxiety

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Can anxious people ever survive the stage of dating that happens after dates 1-2, but before a relationship is officially called? That to me is the greatest time of uncertainty and is just UNBEARABLE with anxiety. It is understandable that you experience the greatest amount of anxiety not before the very first date, but two, three, four dates in. This is a hazy, grey, area just full of over-analyzing every detail. Because now you’ve sort of started to get to know the person. And you’re sort of started trying to figure out whether or not you want to pursue anything with them but you’re not positive they want to too, but then again maybe if they did you wouldn’t want to and that’d be equally awkward and and…. Our obsessive thoughts can lead to us beating ourselves up. We wish we could “just stop.” We invalidate ourselves by telling ourselves we’re being silly. Or we start contemplating backing out completely from the entire experience. Instead of wishing you could stop your thoughts, take a step back …

Giving a name or identity to your anxiety if anxious about dating

Naming Your Anxiety, Naming the Beast

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When I can feel my anxiety bubbling up, when it starts to take over, I imagine it as a thing separate from me. I started doing this years ago, especially when I understood a lot less about my relationship with my anxiety. I would try to remove myself. I would get upset at my anxiety. I would tell my anxiety to go away. I would try to tell it it didn’t control me. This didn’t always work. Somewhere along the way, I’m not positive when, I attached a face to it. A character. And it was one that already existed in the world. I chose the big red monster from the old Looney Tunes cartoons. He’s menacing. Big. Aggressive. But also a little dim. And, in the end, harmless. This is how I’ve come to relate to my anxiety. I later found out the character’s name is Gossamer, which makes it even more fitting. Merriam-Webster defines Gossamer as a piece of spider’s web; a very light or delicate material. Despite my anxiety seeming like an …

Adjusting to feeling anxious over dating

Give Yourself Time to Adjust

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Someone with Anxiety is a bit like a wild animal. What I mean is this: put them in a new environment and their instincts kick in, regardless if the instincts are necessary. You might panic. Or start sweating. You might desperately want to find an exit route. Wish you weren’t there. Feel twitchy. Miserable. Sick to your stomach. Imagine a raccoon suddenly thrown in the backseat of a car: he’ll probably go apeshit. Here’s what I always tell myself in new situations: wait it out. The problem with dating with anxiety is you put off even the smallest steps because it’s terrifying and exhausting. It’s easier to just stay in your world of certainty and routine. I know, even weeks and months into dating someone new, I’ve often longed for the days when I didn’t have to think about anyone else. But I tell myself to wait. Just breath. Wait. It’s important to push yourself a little to try new things, because then you can remind yourself to wait and see if you’ll eventually adjust. …