All posts tagged: Pain

Breaking Habits We Don’t Even Know We Have

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In my suggested readings section of this site I mention the book “The Power of Habit” by Charles Duhigg. I read this book for the first time in the fall of 2014 and I am still a believer. The gist of this book is: change one habit, change your life. But what if we aren’t even aware of some of our habits? Shit, man, what then? After I first read “The Power of Habit” I literally only changed one habit from my days and by God it worked! For years I had a small novel bouncing around in my head, but hadn’t gotten around to writing it. So the one habit I changed was how I spent my lunch break at work. Instead of dicking around on the internet or wandering around the office kitchen I would grab my laptop the minute I clocked out, go to the next door coffee shop, and write for an hour. Every.single.day. And I eventually wrote the little book. I think of this anytime I feel helpless in life. It’s not always …

You’re Not Alone if You Feel Nervous About Dating

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Something really cool has happened over the past few years. I started this blog in 2013. It began as a place where I could think through pain points I’d had while trying to date as I also dealt with anxiety. One of my mantras when I thought about starting this blog was, “I can’t be the only one.” As you guys have shown me, I’m not. And I have the evidence to prove it. This site is powered via WordPress. There are thousands of people who find my blog via search engines online (Google, Bing, Yahoo, etc). For 95% of these searches I’m unable to see the words people typed in that led them to this site. But for the other 5% I can see what someone searched for. There are no other identifying factors for the search terms, so there’s no way to know the person’s age, gender, hometown, etc. Yet this anonymity makes me feel all the more connected.  And it’s one of the coolest things. In 2016 so far here’s a sampling …

Discussing Mental Health on a First Date

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The New York Times recently shared a question that was sent to their “ethicist.” The reader is back on the dating scene again after ending a lengthy relationship. The reader also lives with a complex mental health past and is uncertain about when if/when to discuss this past when entering new relationships. What I love about this short little piece is that it acknowledges the grey area of getting close and intimate with another person. It explains: “on dates, convention holds, you’re not obliged to lead with your weaknesses. The best way for someone to see that you’re doing O.K. is not to assert it but to show it. AKA walk the walk, yo. Show what you are capable of on a day-to-day basis, let them see your best self. While you may feel your shadows are bigger than you, the truth is they only feel this way from your perspective. Remember you have a say in how you are perceived. You are writing your own story; make sure you’re the protagonist of it. However, the …

A Story From a Reader

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This is a follow-up message, sent from the same reader who wrote the “Ask What You Want Wednesday” question on December 23rd. This content has been posted with permission from the writer. Sadly, there wasn’t a happy ending to my story as I hoped there would be, but I hope that the end of this will provide some comfort and hope to your readers. I spent Christmas doing the things I wanted to do, and I kept in touch with this man by texting each other once a day. I felt chilled out and positive, which made a nice change. After a lovely exchange on Boxing Day, I stopped hearing from him completely, but I managed to relax about it and just assumed he was busy. After a few days, I asked him if he was okay. He responded by saying he was fine and just had some family trouble. I took his word for it, but when I went back to the city to spend New Years with my friends, I’d still heard nothing. After a …

What It’s Like to Have a Vagina that Doesn’t Want to Have Sex

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“They are called vaginal dilators,” the doctor said. She held a smooth white box in one hand and a colorless rubber spear in the other. It looked like the world’s least sexy dildo. I was mortified. I didn’t want to anyone to know about this. Ever. This was going with me to the grave. As I hurried from the doctor’s office to my car, an innocent looking paper bag clutched under my arm, I kept reflecting on how love, relationships, physical intimacy, and now sex seemed so much more difficult for me than other people. Everyone else made it look so easy. After stashing the box of dilators under my bed and praying to every God of every religion that no one would find it, I told my best friend about what had happened. In the supportive way only best friends can be, she immediately made fun of my collection of dildos under the bed. For a girl who hadn’t had her first kiss until she was 22, this box of medicinal dildos was a …